The AOL Car

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard II

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Airlines Running on Operating Systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

• DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
• DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
• Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
• OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged -- with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
• Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
• NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.
• Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.
• CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.