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The best jokes and joke writers!

New Yorker Quit His Job

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: "I have to warn you though, there will be a lot of drinking at this party." The city slicker said no problem. "There will also be sex going on." No problem he responded. "Well, There will probably be some fighting too." I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

You're in New York City

You Know You're in New York City When:

  1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
  2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
  3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
  4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
  5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
  6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
  7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
  8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
  9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass by without anyone staring.
  10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."

Ooh La La

A couple is having an intimate dinner at Marea, New York's best Italian restaurant. Their server, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice. The server comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."

New York City to England

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke. One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded. "If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean." Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect." And being true to her word she agreed. This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her. "Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing. "Why are you laughing?" she demanded. He said, "Because you're on the Staten Island Ferry."

Hillary's New Gig

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.