Confucius on Baseball

Confucius say: ''Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk."

Hell's Temperatures

A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he tells Satan that it won't be all that bad, and thinks hells all a joke. So Satan tells the demons to turn the thermostat way up, and lock him up for three days. After three days Satan goes to check up on him, but he says, "I live in the Midwest and many summer weekends are hotter than this." So Satan tells the demons to turn the temperature all the way up, and to leave him in for six weeks. So after six weeks, Satan goes to check up on him, but he says "I grew up in the Midwest and I can remember dry spells that were hotter and longer than this." Well, this really gets to Satan, so he tells the demons to turn the temperature all the way down, and leave him in for six months. After six months, Satan goes to check up on him, and he is sitting there shivering, asking, "What happened? Did the Cubs win the pennant?"

Watch Real Baseball

Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

1. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
2. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
3. They keep shouting "Do over!"
4. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" The batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
5. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
6. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
7. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
8. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
9. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
10. They play like the Mets