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The best jokes and joke writers!

New Women's Study

There is a new study out about women.  85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married. 10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Men and Spray Paint

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?

A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Male Translations

What a man really means:

  •  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
  • "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works."
  • "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?"
  • "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
  • "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
  • "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
  • "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?"
  • "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."

Found At Gyms and Bars

Q: What can a woman find at both gyms and single's bars?

A: Dumbbells.

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup.

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

Old Man Grump's - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover.

Advantages: Stays put; predictable.

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass.

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.

Advantages: Well rested; easy target.

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.

The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.

Advantages: Perpetually aroused.

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how," Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Foo.

Advantages: Tells good stories.

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grump's".

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.