Two Old Friends
Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what´s been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She´s fantastic, she sucks like a real man!"
Couples Honeymoon Night
A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night. The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?" The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it." "That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?" "Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.
I recently tried some of these new 'flavored' condoms. I bought one of each flavor they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavor i was wearing. The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavor", The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavor ", The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavor", and so on, until we had reached the final flavor, and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavor" "Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
The Neighbor Needs a Vase
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said "my god you look so depressed." The neighbor said " you bet I am, look what my damn husband sent me...six dozen roses. Now you know what that means I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread." " Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?"