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The best jokes and joke writers!

Two Hours

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Macho Italian

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

Lonely

Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely. Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter recommended. Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic. Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally succeeded in making love to her. Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!" "What do you mean, twice?" Andy asked. "We only did it once." "Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked.

The Missionary!

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture. The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do math. He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives. They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree". The native repeats, "Tree". They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush". The native repeats the word, "Bush". They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple having sex. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does. The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?" And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act. The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people!  WHY did you kill those two people?!  I told you that they were riding a bicycle!" The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"

What Not To Say During Sex

  • But everybody looks funny naked!
  • You woke me up for that?
  • Did I mention the video camera?
  • Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet)
  • And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose.
  • A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
  • Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  • Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  • But whipped cream makes me break out.
  • Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
  • Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
  • Can you please pass me the remote control?
  • Do you accept Visa?
  • On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  • And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  • So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint)
  • Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  • Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  • Do you get any premium movie channels?
  • Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  • (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  • Got any penicillin?
  • But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  • I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  • I want a baby!
  • Why am I doing all the work?
  • Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  • Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  • I think you have it on backwards.
  • When is this supposed to feel good?
  • Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  • You're good enough to do this for a living!
  • Is that blood on the headboard?
  • Did I remember to take my pill?
  • Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  • I wish we got the Playboy channel...
  • That leak better be from the waterbed!
  • I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  • But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  • Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  • If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
  • No, really... I do this part better myself!
  • It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  • This would be more fun with a few more people.
  • You're almost as good as my ex!
  • Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  • Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  • You look younger than you feel.
  • Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  • You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  • They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  • Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  • Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  • You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  • What tampon?
  • Have you ever considered liposuction?
  • And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  • What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  • I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  • Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  • Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  • Is that a hanging sculpture?
  • You'll still vote for me, won't you?
  • Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  • I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  • Did you come yet, dear?
  • I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
  • A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  • Does this count as a date?
  • Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic!
  • I need another beer for this please.
  • I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
  • You can cook, too right?
  • When would you like to meet my parents?
  • Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
  • Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
  • Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  • Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  • Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  • I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  • Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  • Sorry but I don't do toes!
  • You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  • Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly,
  • I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
  • I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
  • So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
  • My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  • Is this a sin too?
  • I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  • Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  • Long kisses clog my sinuses...
  • Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
  • How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
  • You mean you're NOT my blind date?