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The best jokes and joke writers!

Nun on the bus

A guy is riding the bus. When the bus pulls up to a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway.

"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and I must have sex with you," he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God," she replies, and then keeps walking.

Suddenly, the bus driver turns around to the guy and says, "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional every day, at 3 PM.

The next day at 3 PM, the guy is in the confessional booth, dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness, he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies "Well, if God has said it, we must do it. However, because of my strong commitment to God, I will only take it up my rear-end." The guy figures this isn't a problem, and proceeds to have the best sex he's ever had.

After it is over, he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise! I'm the guy on the bus."

Then, the nun turns around and says, "Surprise! I'm the bus driver."

What Not To Say During Sex

  • But everybody looks funny naked!
  • You woke me up for that?
  • Did I mention the video camera?
  • Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet)
  • And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose.
  • A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
  • Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  • Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  • But whipped cream makes me break out.
  • Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
  • Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
  • Can you please pass me the remote control?
  • Do you accept Visa?
  • On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  • And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  • So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint)
  • Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  • Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  • Do you get any premium movie channels?
  • Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  • (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  • Got any penicillin?
  • But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  • I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  • I want a baby!
  • Why am I doing all the work?
  • Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  • Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  • I think you have it on backwards.
  • When is this supposed to feel good?
  • Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  • You're good enough to do this for a living!
  • Is that blood on the headboard?
  • Did I remember to take my pill?
  • Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  • I wish we got the Playboy channel...
  • That leak better be from the waterbed!
  • I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  • But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  • Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  • If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
  • No, really... I do this part better myself!
  • It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  • This would be more fun with a few more people.
  • You're almost as good as my ex!
  • Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  • Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  • You look younger than you feel.
  • Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  • You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  • They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  • Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  • Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  • You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  • What tampon?
  • Have you ever considered liposuction?
  • And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  • What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  • I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  • Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  • Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  • Is that a hanging sculpture?
  • You'll still vote for me, won't you?
  • Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  • I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  • Did you come yet, dear?
  • I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
  • A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  • Does this count as a date?
  • Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic!
  • I need another beer for this please.
  • I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
  • You can cook, too right?
  • When would you like to meet my parents?
  • Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
  • Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
  • Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  • Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  • Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  • I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  • Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  • Sorry but I don't do toes!
  • You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  • Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly,
  • I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
  • I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
  • So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
  • My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  • Is this a sin too?
  • I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  • Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  • Long kisses clog my sinuses...
  • Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
  • How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
  • You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Robot Sex

Q: What do you call a robot whose sole purpose is to have one-night stands?

A: Nuts and bolts

Surprised Wife

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

Two Hours

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."