Girlfriend Meets Irish Mom
A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family. The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?" The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute." Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining consciousness, she asks again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly. What is your occupation?" Again the girl says, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute." The mother laughs, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!"
A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward. The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.”
The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”
Signs Seen Near Church
The following are actual signs found on church property.
- "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
- "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
- "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
- "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
- An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
- When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
- "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come hear one!"
- A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
- "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
- "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
- "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
- "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
- "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
- "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
- "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
- "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
- "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world."
- "Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
- "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
- "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
- "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
- "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
- "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
- "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
- "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
- "In the dark? Follow the Son."
- "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
- "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
TD Jakes the Chauffeur
Bishop TD Jakes is returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrives, there is a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas. As he prepares to get into the limo, he stops and speaks to the driver. "You know," he says, "I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver says, "No problem." Bishop TD Jakes gets into the driver's seat, and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sits a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo goes by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulls out, easily catches the limo, and gets out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walks up to the driver's door, and when the glass is rolled down, he is surprised to see who is driving. He immediately excuses himself, goes back to his car, and calls his supervisor. He tells the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asks, "Is it the Governor?" The young trooper says, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor says, "Oh, so it's the President." The young trooper says, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asks, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper says, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got TD Jakes for a chauffeur!!!"
Walking On Water
Three ministers were out on a lake fishing one fine afternoon. A Protestant minister, an Episcopalian priest and a Catholic priest. They were sitting out in the middle of the lake and the Protestant minister said he had to relieve himself, so he got out of the boat and walked across the water to shore, relieved himself behind a tree. Then walked back to the boat. The Episcopalian priest did the same thing. The Catholic priest thought to himself, if they can do it, so can I. So he stepped out of the boat and promptly sank to the bottom. The other two looked at each other and one said, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks just under the water?"