Biblical Figures Debate

It was Critics' Day in heaven, when all celebrated biblical figures reflected on their life experiences on earth, and decided what would have been the best approach to performing their respective feats. On the floor today was Moses' parting of the Red Sea in order to escape the pursuing Egyptians. First up was Noah, who said he would have would have used divine foresight to construct an ark in advance, and conveyed the Israelites across. Peter objected to this, claiming Noah's method was too technical, stating that he would have simply helped the Israelites walk on the water across the sea. Elijah objected, calling Peter's method unreliable. He then proposed calling fire down from heaven to consume the Red Sea. Solomon pointed out that this did not solve the problem of the Egyptians. Elijah looked at them incredulously, before saying what appeared to him as obvious: he would call fire down on the Egyptians too. Daniel remarked that Elijah's method wasn't cost-effective. He, and a now furious Elijah, then plunged into a heated argument. Finally, Balaam stood up, and proposed placing his donkey in front of all the advancing Egyptians. They all stared at him in awe.

Basket Baby

Q: Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?
A: Because he was in de-nile.

Committing Adultery

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery. "Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?" "I'd rather not say who it was." "Was it with Betty Smith?" "I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution. "Yes, and two very good leads!"