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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Dose of HMO's Own Medicine

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people."

St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?"

Nurse: "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult."

St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?"

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country."

St. Peter: "Oh, I see. Please go in.. but you can only stay two nights!"

New Yorkers Arrived

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?". God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."  St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!" "Who, the New Yorkers?". "No, the Pearly Gates."

At The Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Men In Heaven

Q: Why do so few men end up in heaven?

A: They never stop to ask for directions.

The Big Flood

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house. As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared and told him to get in.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith that the Lord will save me."

So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted the man in the speedboat.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith that the Lord will save me."

So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me."

So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned. Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?"

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"