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The best jokes and joke writers!

Dog Died and went to Heaven

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Lawyer, Police Man, Doctor

Three men die, a lawyer, police man, and a doctor. At the pearly gates, the police man walks up to Saint Peter and says "I have put criminals away and stopped many crimes like murder, can I get into heaven?"

Saint Peter says "Sorry, we're sorta having a party right now, so no."

The doctor walks up to Saint Peter and says "I have saved many lives and have helped people feel better, can I get into heaven?"

Saint Peter says "Nope, we're kinda busy right now."

The lawyer walks up to Saint Peter and says "I've sued many people, can I get into heaven?"

Saint Peter says "Sure! Come on in! Join the party!"

The police man and the doctor walk up to Saint Peter and ask why the lawyer got in, and they didn't.

Saint Peter told them "We don't get many of his kind around here."

Judgement Day

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. 

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."  They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. 

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.  Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

What Have You Done

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

Fulfilling Their Requests

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter. The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter. The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter. So God made him a woman !!