Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. The ball goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap, so Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap, so Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. However, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it's mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
The Pious and Atheist Neighbors
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good. He had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low. His wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honor you every day. I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Better Boy Prayer
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
God Will Provide
Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?" "I study the Torah," he replies. "But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?" "No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide." "But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz. "No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide." Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. "Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
The Lord's Prayer Redefined
"Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."