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More Church Bloopers!

  1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  2. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  4. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
  5. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  6. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
  7. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  8. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
  9. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
  10. Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
  11. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
  12. The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"
  13. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  14. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.
  15. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

The Pope and the Rams

What do the Pope and the Rams, both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome, have in common?

They both feature 3 million people saying,  'Jesus Christ!'

God Is Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"

Holy Water: The Cure-All

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "Father, Father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward!"

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies, "Flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!"

Divine Right

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.