Truly Committed Man

Q: Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A: A mental hospital.

Early Withdrawals

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn." "What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband. "In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

Nothing Works

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week; by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened. She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation. "That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"