Female Translator

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
• We need = I want...
• It's your decision = correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive = is sex all you ever think about?
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so = want a new house.
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
• (In response to "What's wrong?")The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

Doctor's Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die":

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "You're going to die," she replied.

The Male Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
Simple Duties:

• You make the bed (+1)
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
• You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
• But return with beer (-5)
• You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
• You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
• It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements:

• You stay by her side the entire party (0)
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
• Named Tiffany (-4)
• Who is a dancer (-6)
• And was Homecoming Queen (-8)

Her Birthday:

• You take her out to dinner (0)
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
• Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
• And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys:

• Go out with a pal (-5)
• And the pal is happily married (-4)
• Or frighteningly single (-7)
• And he drives a Lotus (-10)

A Night Out:

• You take her to a movie (+2)
• You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
• You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
• You take her to a movie you like (-2)
• It's called DeathCop3 (-3))
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:

• You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
• You say "I don't care because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question:

• She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
• You hesitate in responding (-10)
• You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication:

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned [removed]0)
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)