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The best jokes and joke writers!

Wedding Toasts

  • Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
  • Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
  • Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
  • Marriage is a rest period between romances.
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
  • Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
  • Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  • Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
  • Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
  • Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
  • Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
  • Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
  • Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter...
  • Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
  • Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
  • Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
  • Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  • Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  • Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
  • Marriage still confers one very special privilege: only a married person can get divorced.
  • Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
  • A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
  • A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
  • A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
  • A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
  • A good woman is like a good bar: liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
  • A honeymoon should be like a table. Four bare legs and no drawers.
  • A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

The Trouble with Being Best Man

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it!

Honeymoon

The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that we're finally married Kenny." After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the dark, "God dammit Kenny, Will you please convince her so we can all get some sleep?"

Clean Bride

Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?

A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

Middle Aged Newlyweds

A middle aged man and woman fall in love and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." Startled, the groom says, "How can that be? You've been married twice..." The bride responds, "Well, you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex." Catching her breath, she continues, "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... Oh God, I miss him!"