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The best jokes and joke writers!

Italian Virgin Newlyweds

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"

Marriage Plus

Q: What did the lady get with her marriage?

A: A new name and a dress.

Return Your Keys

Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

Wedding Toasts

  • Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
  • Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
  • Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
  • Marriage is a rest period between romances.
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
  • Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
  • Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  • Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
  • Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
  • Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
  • Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
  • Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
  • Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter...
  • Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
  • Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
  • Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
  • Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  • Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  • Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
  • Marriage still confers one very special privilege: only a married person can get divorced.
  • Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
  • A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
  • A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
  • A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
  • A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
  • A good woman is like a good bar: liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
  • A honeymoon should be like a table. Four bare legs and no drawers.
  • A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

The Trouble with Being Best Man

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it!