Snow Plow Driver from North Dakota
This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his new bride prepared for their wedding night. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in preparation for their love making. She finally announced that she was ready. The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls necklace that he admired so much. She replied, "Well, yes darling, I do, but what in the world would you need it for at a time like this ? He looked again at all her "preparations" and replied, "Ain't no way I'm gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains."
Bottom of Shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets. Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)
Italian Virgin Newlyweds
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"
Q: What did the lady get with her marriage?
A: A new name and a dress.
Return Your Keys
Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.