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The best jokes and joke writers!

Just Doing His Job

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was just being the Ring Bear!"

Wedding Toasts

  • A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
  • A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look who she married!
  • A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
  • A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
  • A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
  • A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
  • Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
  • Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't lie down.
  • Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
  • Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.
  • After a moment of quite repose it's tum to tum and toes to toes after a moment of sheer delight It's back to back for the rest of the night.
  • All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
  • All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.
  • Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy.
  • The story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...
  • And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
  • Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
  • As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.
  • As you slide down the banister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.
  • Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.
  • Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. 
  • Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.
  • Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
  • Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
  • Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.
  • Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day.
  • Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.
  • Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!
  • Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
  • Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!
  • Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
  • Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
  • Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.

Wedding Pictures

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

A Change Of Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the priest a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the priest looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

Then, he leaned toward the priest and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The priest put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "Your wife made me a much better offer."


Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the hell was that?" The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"