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The best jokes and joke writers!

Wedding Tradition

A little boy at a wedding, looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Wedding Toasts

  • A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
  • A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look who she married!
  • A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
  • A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
  • A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
  • A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
  • Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
  • Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't lie down.
  • Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
  • Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.
  • After a moment of quite repose it's tum to tum and toes to toes after a moment of sheer delight It's back to back for the rest of the night.
  • All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
  • All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.
  • Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy.
  • The story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...
  • And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
  • Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
  • As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.
  • As you slide down the banister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.
  • Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.
  • Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. 
  • Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.
  • Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
  • Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
  • Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.
  • Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day.
  • Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.
  • Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!
  • Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
  • Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!
  • Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
  • Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
  • Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.

Wedding Music

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?

A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post."

Return Your Keys

For some wedding reception fun, try this. Distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

Expensive Honeymoon!

A young couple from the country honeymooned at a really fancy ocean-side resort. Because they knew it would be expensive, they had planned to limit their stay to just the weekend. They were just unable to leave, enjoying themselves and each other so much, and extended their stay another day. Upon checking out, the desk clerk said, "That'll be an additional $150 a piece." "Good God man !!!" cried the groom, totally shocked, "That's two thousand two-hundred and fifty dollars !!! Are you crazy ???"