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The best jokes and joke writers!

Best Are Hard to Find

People say that best friends are hard to find, that is because the best are already mine.

Stone Cold Friendship Truths

1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you..

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsiness....

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Women and Mailboxes

After I have sex, I like my woman like my mailbox. Outside my house!

Couple Buying Lottery Tickets

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted. The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them. The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, "What the hell do I do with these damn things?" The clerk replied, "Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything." The wife looked disgusted. "Oh please," she muttered. "What?" asked the clerk. "Oh nothing," she answered, "it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a damn thing."

Managed Friendship Plan

Managed Friendship Plan

Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

What's Wrong with my Current Friends?

If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.

How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?

Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

`You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What is a Friendship Emergency?

The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.

What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

Friendly Activities that are typically covered include: * Agreeing with you * Appearing sympathetic * Chewing the fat * Dropping by * Feeling your pain * Gossiping * Hanging out * Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)* * Joshing * Kidding around * Listening to you whine * Partying * Passing the time * Patting your back * Ribbing * Sharing a meal * Shooting the breeze * Slinging the bull * Teasing (up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan)

What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to): * Bar hopping * Bending over backwards * Drinking to excess * Giving a hoot * Going the extra mile * Lending money * Real empathy * Truly caring * Using illicit drugs

How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?

`We do. Isn't that what friends are for?