Hurricane Matthew is like my ex-wife.
At first things were wet and intense, then I lost my house.
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with curlers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.
Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."
Q: What do they call divorce in India?
A: Re-arranged marriage
Mr. Schneider in Court.
Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money". Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."