Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.
"You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband. "I'm going to kill you!"
"Wait!" said Mrs. Jones. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000s? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't afford a new car, and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me."
After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaimed, "For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"
Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
A wild-eyed and butt-ugly old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waving a pistol. She yelled out, "I have a Kimber 1911 with seven rounds in the mag and one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband!"
A female voice from the back of the room yelled back at her, "You're gonna' need more ammo Hillary!"
On Sale Now!
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded. He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more. Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"The salesman said,
"Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?" Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"