And Then Some

When her late husband’s will is read out, a widow learns he’s left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushes to change the inscription on her spouse’s tombstone. “Sorry, lady,” says the stone mason. “I inscribed “Rest in Peace” on your orders. I can’t change it now.” “Okay,” she replies grimly. “Just add, ‘Until We Meet Again.’”

Twins

I just found out that my girlfriend has a twin sister.
I saw her on Tinder.

Get There First

“I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: if it’s true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgement, I don’t want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.”