Pickle Slicer

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."

Final Answer

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed. The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight." The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight." The husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you." The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Storm Damage

So last Saturday I'm at home watching TV when my phone rings. " Hello, who's this?" I answer. "Hi it's Margery, I'm your brother's next door neighbor. He's on vacation and asked me to keep an eye on his house and gave me your number as an emergency contact.  We've just had a terrible rain storm here and a large tree just fell on his roof.  It looks pretty bad and rain water is pouring into his house."
See my brother lives in New Jersey but was vacationing in Europe. So I said, "Well, I live 3 hours away but his daughter has a key and lives nearby. I'll call her and get her over there."
But here's the thing, his daughter works for a 1-900 phone sex company and I didn't have her mobile number so I had to call her at work!
So when I finally get her on the phone she says, "Hello big boy, what can I do for you tonight?" "Sorry Lucy, I'm definitely not looking for any phone sex, it's your uncle Lee. I've got some bad news, a tree fell on your dad's house and the rain is pouring in."
"Oh my god!' She said, "That's terrible, I'll drive over when my shift is finished."
I was relieved to have fixed the problem but I hadn't seen Lucy in a while so I asked her how she had been, that was a huge mistake! I forgot how much Lucy could talk, she talked non stop for two whole hours!
The next day I got an email alert from my cell phone company about that said I spent $95 with a 1-900 service.
Well I was furious, so that night I called Lucy again and explained what had happened. "Oh Lee that's terrible, I'll talk to my boss and get that charge reversed for you."
"Thanks Lucy that's great," I replied.
But trying to be polite I stupidly asked her, "So how did it go at your dads? How bad was it?"
I know, I'm stupid! This time she talked for 3 whole hours. And the next day I got another email alert from the cell phone company.  This time the bill was for $142.50.
So the next day I called her up again and... Ah fuck it, my wife didn't believe me either.