Dumb Excuses

Dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married and your wife makes you go!)  I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
• I feel a song coming on.
• I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
• I have to bleach my hare. 
• I have too much guilt.
• I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it.
• I never go out on days that end in "Y."
• I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.
• I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
• I'm having all my plants neutered.
• I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
• I'm too old for that stuff.
• I'm too young for that stuff.
• I'm touring China with a wok band. I'm trying desperately to be less popular.
• I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
• I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
• My bathroom tiles need grouting.
• My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
• My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
• My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

First Five Hundred

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Last Chance

Told my girlfriend she had one last chance to do something with my penis or we were through.
She's blown it.