Weak

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym.
Guess we just weren't working out.

Apology

Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever...
She said, she's sorry she ever married me.

Caught in a Vise

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."