Traveling Salesman

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.
"You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband. "I'm going to kill you!"
"Wait!" said Mrs. Jones. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000s? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't afford a new car, and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me."
After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaimed, "For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"

Just Like My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Don't Say This

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."
"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."
"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."
"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.