Priest Retirement

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police was able to lie his way out of it. He also stole money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife,  had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs, had several homosexual affairs, was
 arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Meet the Parents

A young woman brought her new fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiance to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir; God will provide," replied the fiance. The conversation proceeded like this . . . and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?" The father answered, "He's a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."

Ted and Bill

Q:  What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had??
A:  An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.