Marriage Quotes

• All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
• Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
• Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
• It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
• May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
• May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
• May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
• Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
• The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
• There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Goofy Wonderings

• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
• If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
• In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
• How come there aren't B batteries?
• If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
• How do you throw away a garbage can?
• How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
• What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
• Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
• Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
• What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

Business One Liners

• If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
• If you are coasting, you're going downhill.
• If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
• If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
• If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
• If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
• If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
• If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 
• If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.