Three Old Ladies Who Are Hard of Hearing
Three old ladies, who are hard of hearing, are walking down the street.
Old Lady #1: Whew, it's windy today!
Old Lady #2: No. Today's Thursday!
Old Lady #3: So am I! Let's go to a bar!
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"
A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
Tested for HIV
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Phoenix reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the Green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."