Old Man's Miracle

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Gas Attack

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"

Fourth Marriage

An eighty year old woman was getting married for the fourth time. A newspaper was interviewing her about her previous marriages. She said she got married the first time when she was twenty to a banker. Then, in her forties she married a three ring circus leader. Then she married a preacher. And now she's marring a funeral home director.  The lady replied, when I look back at my previous marriages, I see one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.