Pondering Old Age

How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been. Old age is golden -so I've heard it said- but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed, with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup, my eyes on the table until I wake up. Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself, "Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?" And I'm happy to say as I close my door, my friends are the same, perhaps even more. When I was young, my slippers were red, I could pick up my heels right over my head. When I grew older, my slippers were blue, but still I could dance the whole night through. But now I am old, my slippers are black, I walk to the store and puff my way back. The reason I know my youth is all spent, my get up and go has got up and went. But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin, of all the grand places my get up has been. Since I have retired from life's competition, I accommodate myself with complete repetition. I get up each morning, and dust off my wits, pick up my paper and read the "obits". If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead, so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Get Me Out!

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required. "Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day finally came. "Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know it’s the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call. "So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!" "Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out. "So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life. As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!" "That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance. "Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly. When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!" "But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?" "Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!"

Cough Drops

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. The girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "Cough drops," and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing here, m'am?" The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, I can suck em, can't I?"