Male Translations

What a man really means:

•  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
• "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
• "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works."
• "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
• "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?"
• "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
• "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
• "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
• "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
• "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?"
• "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again."
• "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."

Dying Wives!

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, " and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!"

Why Marry?

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.