Holiday Jokes

HUGE Collection of Holiday Jokes! ROFL with April Fool's Day, Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, Christmas, Easter, more. Crack yourself up with funny holiday jokes.

'Twas the Night After Christmas

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like." The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot just over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court!" 

Categories: Holiday Jokes (Christmas Jokes)
Copyright © 2013 - All Rights Reserved - Used with Permission.
Submitted BY: Jeff Foxworthy

Irish Tradition

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!

Categories: Holiday Jokes (St. Patrick's Day Jokes) , Ethnic / Country Jokes (Irish Jokes) , Jokes about Families (Son Jokes) , Jokes about Families (Father Jokes) , Bar Jokes (Drunk Jokes)
Anonymous

Easter Question

One Easter morning, the preacher gathered the children of the church in the front of the sanctuary for the weekly children's sermon. He began with a thematically appropriate question. "Children, today is Easter Sunday. What do we celebrate on Easter?" One girl spoke up quickly: "We remember our mothers and how much we love them." "No, that's not quite right," the pastor replied. "You're thinking of Mother's Day." Then, an eager boy took a shot: "Easter is a time when we say 'thank you' to God for all the good things in our lives." "We can always say 'thank you' to God," the pastor said, beginning to worry about the dullness of the children in his church. "But, you're thinking of Thanksgiving, not Easter. Children, what is the meaning of Easter?"
After a few seconds of awkward silence, another girl in a fancy Easter dress gave it a try. "Easter," she said tentatively, "is the day when we remember that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Then he was buried in the tomb. On Easter morning, God rolled the stone away and Jesus came out of the tomb." "Excellent," cried the relieved pastor.
"And then," the girl continued, "Jesus looked and saw his shadow, so he went back into the tomb and there were six more weeks of winter!"

Categories: Holiday Jokes (Easter Jokes) , Religion Jokes (Nun / Priest Jokes)
Anonymous