Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

The moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations." But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
The Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

Dumb Questions

• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
• Where are the germs that cause ‘good’ breath?
• Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
• Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
• Why are they called "stands" when they’re made for sitting?
• Why aren’t there ever any guilty by standers?
• Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers?
• Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
• Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

Why Are You Not Married Comebacks

Comebacks for the question "why are you not married yet?".

• You haven't asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
• I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
• I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn't seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
• I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
• I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren't you thin?
• I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
• Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.