Parents in the Shower

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

Escape

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger. One of the guys reached into his back pack and pulled out a pair of Reebok running shoes. His friend looked at him. "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?" "I don't have to run faster than that tiger. I just have to run faster than you."

Start And Finish

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.