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Actual Product Instructions

ON A HAIRDRYER: *Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS: *You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: *Directions: Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: *Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: *Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT: *Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: *Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: *Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: *Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):  *Warning: May cause drowsiness. 

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: *Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: *For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: *Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: *Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: *Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: *Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

More Church Bloopers!

  1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  2. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  4. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
  5. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  6. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
  7. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  8. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
  9. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
  10. Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
  11. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
  12. The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"
  13. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  14. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.
  15. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

Signs and Notices 21

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
  • In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
  • Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
  • A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
  • While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring."
  • At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, bonuses and promotions."
  • Seen on a billboard along a highway: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

Signs and Notices 13

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
  • At fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
  • Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
  • In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summer suit. Because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
  • From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
  • In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
  • In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
  • In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

Signs Seen Near Church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

  • "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
  • "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
  • "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
  • "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
  • An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
  • When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
  • "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come hear one!"
  • A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
  • "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
  • "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
  • "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
  • "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
  • "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
  • "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
  • "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
  • "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
  • "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low,  but the retirement benefits are out of this world."
  • "Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
  • "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
  • "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
  • "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
  • "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
  • "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
  • "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
  • "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
  • "In the dark? Follow the Son."
  • "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
  • "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."