Ads & Newspapers

Bumper Stickers

  • I love animals, they taste great.
  • EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
  • "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest!
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 

Categories: Ads & Newspapers (Signs and Notices) , Word Play Jokes
Anonymous

Nail Clipper Costume

Craigslist Ad:
This is made of the highest quality parts that the National ACE hardware on McKinley has to offer.
Is that PVC I smell? Nah son, 1/2" CPVC all DAY. Why is it so stiff? That's cause it's constructed with triple-ply cardboard. Is that Roundy's tin foil? OH FO SHO, that is straight Reynolds Wrap. Shiny side up. Why do I feel like it's Scotch-Guarded? Calm yourself, that's just saran wrap (for ultimate protection (from harm (and terror))).
Aluminum cam for smooth movements. Spring operated for speedy clipping. Lightweight for stealth and mobility.
There are caveats: You won't win the costume contest. Women won't flock to you. Well, they might, but it's more than likely they'll say things like:
- What are you?
- What made you think of that?
- You're dumb.
- That's nice that your mom gave you money and let you out of the house to play in public.
Come get this thing. I spend way too much time building nonsense, and you are being rewarded. Nail clippers come with 4 strings of (working) icicle-style Christmas lights. Will not separate.

Categories: Ads & Newspapers (Craigslist)
Anonymous

Newspaper Clipping

  • Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
  • Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
  • Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
  • Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
  • Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.
  • Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
  • Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
  • Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
  • Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Categories: Ads & Newspapers (For Sale Ads) , Ads & Newspapers (Public Announcements) , Ads & Newspapers (Classifieds)
Anonymous