Real News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country:

• Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us (Holland Sentinal, date unknown) 
• Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut (The New York Times, November 22) 
• Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find (The Los Angeles Times, November 2)
• 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories (Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30)
• Alcohol ads promote drinking (The Hartford Courant, November 18)
• Malls try to attract shoppers (The Baltimore Sun, October 22)
• Official: Only rain will cure drought (The Herald-News. Westpost, Massachusetts)
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men (The Sunday Oregonian, September 24)
• Low Wages Said Key to Poverty (Newsday, July 11)

Winter Weather Alert

(Name of your town) News: If you are inside right now then it is advised you do not go out. There have been reports of ICES in our town. First they were spotted on our bridges, now ICES have gotten to our roads. For those that still plan on leaving their houses, the only gun that will work on ICES is a salt rifle. Also, watch out for black ICES which are known to be more dangerous than regular ICES. Stay tuned for more updates.

Newspaper Ad Looking for a Man

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:

Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.
Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”