Signs And Notices Around England

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

• Sign in a Laundromat; Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
• Sign in a London department store: Bargain Basement upstairs.
• In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.
• Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag DIY.
• In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
• On a church door: This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is to be kept locked because of the draft, please use side entry.)
• Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
• Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Dear Abby: Lying Cheat

Dear Abby: My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.
Signed - Frustrated
 
Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

Bumper Stickers

• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• A penny saved is ridiculous.
• All that glitters has a high refractive index.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Anarchy is better than no government at all.
• Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
• Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.