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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Unpaid Parking Tickets

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Chicago Tribune - William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.

Bumper Stickers

  • I love animals, they taste great.
  • EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
  • "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest!
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 

More Strange Headlines

A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout. 

A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."

Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.

A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.

Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also. Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.

A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.

Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer. 

Oprectomy

KENMORE HOSPITAL

61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.

BOSTON, MA. 02115

DATE:____________NAME:____________ADDRESS: ____________

Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty outlook on life. 

Sincerely, J. Grabber, M.D.

Kenmore Hospital