A Woman's Schedule

A Woman's Schedule:
1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.

Wife at Home Depot

Brandon was installing a new door and realized one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Kate if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Kate said sure and headed off to the store. While she was waiting for the orange vested employee to finish with another customer, she noticed a beautiful shower head.
When the employee turned to her, Kate asked him, "How much is that shower head?" The employee replied, "That's our best Grohe RainShower head and it's on sale for $545.00.
Kate exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive shower head.  It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Brandon had sent her to buy. The Home Depot employee said that he had them in top stock and brought a wheeled ladder to get one for her. From the top of the ladder the employee yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Kate paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the Grohe shower head.''
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

Kitchen Mess

My wife is really messy when she makes an omelette. Best not to say anything though, you have to walk on eggshells around her.