Like Mother Like Daughter

A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor. He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill." The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?" The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."

The good, bad, and ugly!

• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
• Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
• Ugly: You're in them

• Good: Your husband understands fashion
• Bad: He's a cross-dresser
• Ugly: He looks better than you

• Good: Your son's finally maturing
• Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
• Ugly: So are you

• Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
• Bad: She keeps interrupting
• Ugly: With corrections

• Good: Your wife's not talking to you
• Bad: She wants a divorce
• Ugly: She's a lawyer

• Good: The postman's early
• Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
• Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

• Good: Your daughter got a new job
• Bad: As a hooker
• Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
• Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

• Good: You're son is dating someone new
• Bad: It's another man
• Ugly: He's you're best friend

• Good: You're wife is pregnant
• Bad: It's triplets
• Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Grocery Shopping

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "I'm Ellen, the little shit's name is Tammy."