Breaking the News
A guy is just getting back from a long business trip out of the country. He’d left his cat with his brother. As soon as he’s back at the airport, he calls his brother and asks about the cat. “The cat’s dead,” the brother says. The guy is devastated. “Hey, that cat meant a lot to me. Don’t you know any better than to break bad news like that? Jeez. You ought to say, ‘Well, the cat got out on the roof, and the fire department came. They put up the ladder, but the cat was afraid to let go. It was cold outside, and finally when they were able to get up there the cat had passed away from exposure.’ You know, break it gently.” “Man, I’m sorry,” the brother says. “I’ll do a better job next time.” “Okay. Anyway, what’s really important is family. How have you been all this time? How’s Mom?” “Well,” the brother says. “Mom got out on the roof..."
You Might Be A Redneck 39
You might be a redneck if...
- One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
- You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
- You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
- You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in Texas. One day Trevor rides on his bike into town and he sees a building on fire, so he goes back home and tells his brother, "Herman, Herman there is a fire and people are getting burned!"
His brother says, "Oh, that was on the radio -- that's old news."
So Trevor rides back into town and he sees a bank being robbed, so he rides back home and says, "Herman, Herman there is bank being robbed and people are getting shot and killed!" His brother says, "Oh that was on the radio -- that's old news." So Trevor rides back into town and he sees a pig stuck in a fence and starts to thinkin'... Then he rides home and says, "Herman Herman! I had my first sexual experience today!" His brother says, "In a pig's ass." And Trevor replies, "Oh, you and your stupid radio."
Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where their mother was cooking. "What do you want for breakfast?" asked the mother. "Shit, I want some fucking pancakes," said the first brother. The mother slapped him across the face. "We don''t talk like that in this house. Now, how about you, son? I hope you've learned a lesson from your brother. What do you want for breakfast?" "I''ve sure learned my lesson! You can bet your ass I don't want any fucking pancakes!"
No More Fishing For Baby Sis
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"