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MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON

Written from Central Spain, August 1812.

Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

A Cultural Comparison

  • Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
  • Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
  • Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
  • Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
  • Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
  • Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
  • Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
  • Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
  • Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer
  • Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness
  • Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
  • Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
  • Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
  • Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
  • Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
  • Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
  • Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
  • Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
  • Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball
  • Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
  • Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
  • Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
  • Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
  • Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
  • Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
  • Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
  • Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
  • Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
  • Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
  • Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brrr Its Cold

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks, "Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?" "Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite!"

Speciality of the Day

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious. The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?" And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

Switzerland Perks

Q: What are some of the perks of living in Switzerland?

A: Well, the flag's a big plus.