Elephants

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant...

 
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant (or 1000 ways to cook Elephant)
The English book - Elephants I Have Shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh language and Culture (or: Oes Ysgol Tocynnau Eleffant Llanfairpwll Nhadau Coeden)
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think About Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to Reduce Your Taxes With an Elephant.

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

• "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

• "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
• "This'll jar your preserves."
• "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things & Compliments:

• "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
• "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
• "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

• "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
• "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
• Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

• A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
• When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
• If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
• "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
• A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

• "She's uglier than homemade soap."
• "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
• "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
• "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
• "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
• Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Newfoundland and Nova Scotia

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.