Live Bait Fishing
There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up. While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking. One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible." The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck about shark fishing."
Gay Jamaican Man
Q: What do you call a gay Jamaican guy?
- "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
- "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
- "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
- "This'll jar your preserves."
- "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things & Compliments:
- "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
- "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
- "Gooder than grits."
- "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
- "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
- Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
- A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
- When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
- If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
- "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
- A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
- "She's uglier than homemade soap."
- "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
- "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
- "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
- "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
- Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
10 Signs Your Amish Teen's in Trouble
- Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
- In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
- Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
- When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
- His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
- Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."
- You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
- Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
- Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
- He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Statistics don't Lie
Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.