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The best jokes and joke writers!

He Didn't Make It

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm. "Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer. "I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."

English, Irish, and Scottish Wives

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?" The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says, "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked." The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank." The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."

Paddy's Hand

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

''What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.''

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.''

” Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

''That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but absolutely useless in a fight."

Don't Step on a Duck!

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by St. Patrick himself and he said to the boys, "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity."

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire landscape was encompassed by ducks and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homeliest colleens he'd ever laid eyes on. She said, "Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time." 

Of course the exact same thing happened to Michael, only his companion was even the worse for the wear.  By this time, Tim was absolutely terrified.  He gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."

Need a Hotel Room

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man. The Englishman went into a hotel and asked for a room. The hotel lady said, "Yes, first door on your left." So, the Englishman went into the room, and heard a voice saying, "First I'm gonna bite your head off, then I'm gonna bite your arms off." The Englishman got scared and ran out the room screaming. Then an Irishman asked for a room. The lady said, "Yes, first door on your left." The Irishman went in and heard a voice saying, "First I'm gonna bite your head off, then I'm gonna bite your arms off." The Irishman ran out the room screaming. Then the Scottish man came into the hotel and asked for a room. The lady said, "Yes, first door on your left." The Scottish man heard a voice saying, "First I'm gonna bite your head off, then I'm gonna bite your arms off, then I'm gonna bite your legs off." So, the Scottish man turned on the light and saw... a kid eating gummy bears in the corner.