Upmanship

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life. Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife...she goes wild!

Don't Cut

An American has sex with a Soviet woman and catches a strange venereal disease causing a green ring around the base of the penis. The American goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated. Wanting another opinion, he then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but agrees that amputation is indicated.
Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this strange form of venereal disease.  Indeed, the Soviet doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"

Polack at Guillotine

An Italian, an American, and a Polack were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go. Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free. Then the Polack is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words. He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."