Old farmers never die, they just spade away
Q: Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
A: For Hispanic attacks.
Keep That A Secret
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive caribbean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him. Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself." "I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
Q: How do you know when you've been drinking too much?
A: The bartender knows your name but this is the first time you've been to that bar
Jesus' Disciples Bring Drugs
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark," Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew," Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John," Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas," Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"