A guy decides to quit smoking. He decides to use the nicotine patch, but thinks it looks ridiculous. Later in the week, he stands at a urinal beside his co-worker. The co-worker looks down and notices the man has a nicotine patch on his penis. Horrified, the co-worker says, "That's disgusting! Why in the world would you put a patch on your d**k?" The man replies, "Don't knock it -- I'm down to two butts a day."
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
In The Bag
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Old farmers never die, they just spade away
Q: Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
A: For Hispanic attacks.